Pity Party

Here I find myself again with the horrible “Sunday night feeling” inside. For those who don’t know what a “Sunday night feeling” is, let me explain. It’s that feeling you, well at least I would get on Sunday night right about bedtime when all the fun family time of the weekend was over. Church, lunch, and afternoon naps would lead into the evening & after dinner the feeling would slowly creep up. I remember watching the Sunday night Disney movie on television and as soon as it was over….bedtime. Ugh!...the aching inside, the nausea, the heartache of longing for just a few more hours. Oh how early the alarm would sound in the morning & it was off into the fast-pasted routine & not much down time for family togetherness. That was my experience & it was funny to find out when I got married Randall knew exactly what the “Sunday night feeling” was. Now we’ve never discussed it in detail so I’m not sure why his symptoms would arise but none-the-less about that time Sunday evening they would be there in full force.

So this afternoon my “Sunday night feeling” leaves me sick to my stomach. It’s hard to breathe & I would cry if only for the fact I can’t cry except once every 6 weeks or so. Now I cry at the drop of the hat at a movie, song, even commercial that is touching. I just can’t cry when it’s personal in the exact moment it is natural to cry. It will stay stuffed down inside & about every 6 weeks it will explode & come out in an hour long cry over something stupid like spilled milk. Then I’ll feel refreshed & be good for another 6 weeks. I ask God all the time why I can’t express my emotions when needed, but I’m sure there’s some kind of good that comes out of it. During a very difficult trial I’m usually the one who can hold it all together while everyone around me falls apart in tears. I don’t know why but it’s engrained deep down inside me that I must be the one who is “okay” & after it’s all over with & I know others have dealt with it then & only then can I feel anything.

I am in a place where I’m trying to cling to the Lord & I know that’s the only way I will make it through this. Today I find myself in complete despair. You would think it would get easier each week when we say our goodbyes but it just keeps getting harder. I guess that’s a good thing. Most people would fall into their own routine & some would even enjoy living separate lives. For me it’s an emotional roller-coaster that won’t end. Every week there’s the anticipation whether or not Randall will come home. It usually goes back & forth between yes & no until finally Thursday or Friday we get an answer. When we find out he is coming there’s so much excitement. We ride the high all weekend until it’s time for him to leave again. We are all so weary. Each one of us is affected in a different way but affected none the less. We all hurt. In Hayden I’m seeing an array of emotions. We are seeking God & begging Him to put an end to us being apart. I know He is working. I see evidence of it each day. I know refinement is going on. I am trying to take joy in that fact. I mean we could be on our on in this. There is a purpose & a bigger plan than we can see. This really isn’t about us is it?! Well it may be but the real issue isn’t us but molding us into something…someone(s) that can be used for HIS GLORY! I really wish I wasn’t so stubborn. I pray for me to easily yield in each second of every day. All too often I dig in my heels & act like a spoiled little brat. Oh how great is HIS love for me that He doesn’t just give up on me. Thankfully His patience surpasses any possible human patience & understanding.

It makes it so much harder on me now that Hayden is having some health issues. We spent Saturday evening (the one full day Randall is home) in the ER trying to find out some answers only to know we have to get back with the specialist on Monday…when Randall is gone. I’m worried about Hayden as any mother would be. I’m trying to stay on track with his studies still completely doubting myself in ability to teach him anything. There are many days I don’t remember what I’ve taught because I’m in constant conversation with Jesus to guide my steps because I’m such a mess. I do see glimpses of it going in & being retained & that keeps me at it. I try to keep up the house to the best of my ability, stay in touch with family/friends (off Facebook…the major challenge right now!), & all the while with a happy, hopeful, cheerful, attitude….BUT… I miss my best friend. The person I do life with. We have never been the type to “I do my thing, he does his” but we’ve always enjoyed doing it together. Not that it’s a bad thing or wrong to those who do live that way, but it’s just not how we are made. I’m really just at a loss for words right now. It felt good to “blog” at first but I feel the only thing I can do in this moment is spend some time in the Word. Something I will go do right now…………………. This pity party is over…….

Facebook Detox

Ok so I’m going to “blog” now. I have never really cared much about blogs other than the really important ones that I care about. ha-ha. I have friends who are doing important things like going on the mission field & adopting. Now that is something worthy of “blogging” about.... my senseless need to voice my emotions not so much.

However, I’m now in this horrible phase of “Facebook Detox” & have this unexplainable need to have someone, anyone, to know a thought that has popped in my head in the form of a “status update” How in the world did I get here?!

Let me go back a little bit. I’ve felt for a while now that I needed to delete my Facebook account, & while this may sound insane to some, my fellow brothers & sisters will completely understand when I say that I felt it was the Lord leading me to do so. Now those of you who don’t understand what I’ve just said please know that I do not thing God thinks facebook itself is evil.  I’m sure there’s a lot of evil being done through it, bullying to the point of someone committing suicide, affairs, marriages & lives being destroyed daily on Facebook. That is not my reason for leaving though. I know there are some good things going on through fb (Facebook) as well. God just kept putting thoughts in my head like “What else could you be doing right now.” “You haven’t talked to so & so in months but you feel connected because you can go check out their fb page.” “Can you live without fb?” and a few more dealing with the fact I may not want to accept all the friend requests I get but have this horrible “I don’t’ want to hurt anyone’s feelings” thing inside. Then there’s of course the whole privacy issue & trying to keep up with who sees what. Finally yesterday morning I said ok I’m going to do it. I deactivated my account.

This brings me to now, day 1 without Facebook. At first I though this won’t be a big deal. It’s only fb right? Not anything major in my life like food or water or family, just fb. Ha-ha! I’m pretty much having withdrawals. I got up, took a shower, fed Hayden & myself & got a great bit of school work done. We played Bingo, went outside, & had lunch. All and all it’s been a great day. Very productive. However, every several minutes a “status update” pops in my head & I have NO IDEA what to do with it! What do I do? Tell it to Hayden? The dogs? Call someone just to say “We had the best day of school today & an awesome time playing games afterward.” Wait….. isn’t that what I used to do? Before the days of MySpace (back before it was too trashy) & Facebook I actually talked with others about my day, the ups & downs, & how theirs went. I didn’t jump online post an update, check out my friends, post a few comments, log off & wait for any notifications to come in to carry on the conversation. What in the world?! But an actually phone call would take too much time, right? What else am I doing since I already have done everything for the day? Wouldn’t it be better to have real connections with those near & dear to me?

Oh & by the way I took a really cute picture of Hayden on my phone. What do I do with it now? I couldn’t upload it to fb & for a moment I honestly had no idea why I took the picture in the 1^st place. Seriously?! Do I only take pictures thinking “Oh a perfect profile pic or one to upload to my album” really do I?  I couldn’t just take pictures of me having a wonderful time with my son to keep on my phone for my own pleasure could I? Isn’t that what I used to do? I can still set it as my wallpaper!

This whole thing is wearing me out. I’m actually in a state of frustration. I guess with any “habit” there is an adjustment period you have to go through. Therefore, I have started this blog as a means to “air” my thoughts, opinions, frustrations, joy, etc. I do have a little reservation in the fact I don’t think my opinion really matters a hill of beans. I can’t stand those self glorification blogs & pray this doesn’t turn into that. I just need an outlet at the moment.

I thought about just reopening my Facebook account. That would be much easier & less painful right? But now that I see how much fb was a part of my life I’m determined to not give in & break myself from being a “slave” if you will. I think it will be an emotional journey especially since fb had become this stay at home/husband travels all week/ homeschooling mom’s only outlet. I think God has bigger things than Facebook in mind for my “outlet” though & I’m excited to see where this adventure takes me. I’m also committed to remaining 100% open & honest with my feelings something I never truly felt comfortable doing on Facebook. I have no idea who will read this & it doesn’t really matter. That’s not the point. I’m pretending that no one will. I don’t want start thinking about what others will think & want to just let my thoughts flow. Maybe I will learn something in the process. That’s my goal.

Now I have to go pick out a “layout” to post this on my new blog. Oh how I did miss choosing my own layout from the MySpace days…….. Ha-ha!